Without knowing it, had we not been brought to where we stood by a certain kind of faith? For did we not believe in our own reasoning? Did we not have confidence in our ability to think? What was that but a sort of faith? Yes, we had been faithful, abjectly faithful to the God of Reason. So, in one way or another, we discovered that faith had been involved all the time!

pp 53-54 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

...

This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning as I read. All of my life I have relied upon my own abilities to think and solve problems as they arose in everyday life. Seldom - unless it was grave and I was in deep dodo - did I reach out to God or another person for help and direction.

Complete self reliance. Total lack of faith in a Power greater than myself.

Which is complete agnosticism.

I worshipped the God of my Reason and ability. 

I shudder to think about at that right now. No wonder I was eaten up with fear.

I'm so grateful for the grace of loving GOD who has held my hand thus far.

A Conception of God I Don't Understand

I was reading an article by John Piper titled "Did the Death of Jesus Accomplish Anything for the Non-Elect?" and was struck by these comments:

In one sense, as soon as we sin we should be punished eternally. We shouldn't get another breath. There should be no reprieve. There should be no time given to us. So clearly then, in some sense, the time given to us is grace. And grace for a sinner requires some kind of payment or purchase or warrant from a holy God. And Christ would be the one who provides that.

I can't imagine a God we lovingly call Abba punishing eternally as soon as we sin. I just don't get that. Maybe it's because the lens through which I view God is Christ. I don't know. But statements like that make me shiver and run from someone who rambles on in that fashion.

I don't think I could turn my will and my life over to a God that, as soon as I make a mistake, would eternally punish me.

Clean House

God:

Please clean my interior house.




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I Can't Wait - It's Coming Soon...

Dallas Willard on Grace and the Kingdom of God

Man, I really like what he says here:

People are Awesome

They really are:

The Existential Quiz - My Results

I'm not sure what to make of this, but when  I took the quiz, this is what it said:

The Existential Quiz Your Result: You are Kierkegaard's KNIGHT OF FAITH!   You are an existentialist at heart but still believe in a God. You realize that faith does not mean blindly going to church and following a couple of meaningless rules. Faith and life for you are both an arduous and private journey that requires a personal relationship with God. Talking about your faith is useless. No one  will understand your conviction. You make your own path to faith and redemption. A true Christian existentialist!
You are Camus' ABSURD MAN!
You are Dostoevsky's UNDERGROUND MAN!
You are Nietzsche's UBERMAN!
The Existential Quiz Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Complicating God

Sometimes I so over-complicate God and living fully.

This weekend I have been at a teaching on the Gospel of John by Dr. Ben Witherington. It has been a delightful event and I've learned a lot. God only knows how much I will retain.

But lately, it seems like I'm way over thinking God and spiritual matters. For instance, I've been really intrigued by two theological subjects (in addition to my recovery spirituality I live out in the rooms): the Gospel of John and atonement.

There is something about the Gospel of John that just keeps me coming back to it (kind of like AA). I love Chapter 13 and the acts of love and service Jesus demonstrated when washing his friends' feet, especially when he knew right at that moment that he was the all powerful Lord of Lords and King of Kings. That just blows me away thinking about it. What love, how giving can you possibly be?

And then atonement. I think the thing I don't get is the importance of justice to God, so much so that he requires a gruesome death of his son whom he loved so much, to reconcile us - who loves so much - back to Him. If He loves Jesus so much and loves us so much, why can't He just forgive and reconcile - amnesty, if you will? As you can see, I don't get it.

For a while when I thought about this it seemed to me that God, in requiring the death of Christ in ransom payment for our sins, was not forgiving because He was requiring payment: the death of Jesus. I thought grace and forgiveness were something given by the person doing the forgiving. For example, if someone owes me $100 and I forgive that debt, then inherent in my act of forgiveness, there is no payment to me - the debt is gone - it's a gift from me to the debtor.

But in the case of Jesus and his atoning death for my sins, God's holiness demand for justice in that reconciliation has a price: Jesus's death. A ransom is paid. That doesn't seem free to me.

How is that forgiveness?

Right now, the only explanation I have is two part: first, that is just the way it is - God is God and this is the way it was, is, and forever will be. The other is based on the trinity: God is bearing the cost of the forgiveness by His death on the cross. We are not paying anything, God is paying. God was on the cross in his son. We are not paying anything - He is. I'm slowly getting that. But still struggling.

So, my brain is fried on all that. God, I surrender my brain to you. I turn my will and my life over to you. Please relieve me of the bondage of me so that I may do your will and not mine.

I love you dearly.

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