Complicating God

Sometimes I so over-complicate God and living fully.

This weekend I have been at a teaching on the Gospel of John by Dr. Ben Witherington. It has been a delightful event and I've learned a lot. God only knows how much I will retain.

But lately, it seems like I'm way over thinking God and spiritual matters. For instance, I've been really intrigued by two theological subjects (in addition to my recovery spirituality I live out in the rooms): the Gospel of John and atonement.

There is something about the Gospel of John that just keeps me coming back to it (kind of like AA). I love Chapter 13 and the acts of love and service Jesus demonstrated when washing his friends' feet, especially when he knew right at that moment that he was the all powerful Lord of Lords and King of Kings. That just blows me away thinking about it. What love, how giving can you possibly be?

And then atonement. I think the thing I don't get is the importance of justice to God, so much so that he requires a gruesome death of his son whom he loved so much, to reconcile us - who loves so much - back to Him. If He loves Jesus so much and loves us so much, why can't He just forgive and reconcile - amnesty, if you will? As you can see, I don't get it.

For a while when I thought about this it seemed to me that God, in requiring the death of Christ in ransom payment for our sins, was not forgiving because He was requiring payment: the death of Jesus. I thought grace and forgiveness were something given by the person doing the forgiving. For example, if someone owes me $100 and I forgive that debt, then inherent in my act of forgiveness, there is no payment to me - the debt is gone - it's a gift from me to the debtor.

But in the case of Jesus and his atoning death for my sins, God's holiness demand for justice in that reconciliation has a price: Jesus's death. A ransom is paid. That doesn't seem free to me.

How is that forgiveness?

Right now, the only explanation I have is two part: first, that is just the way it is - God is God and this is the way it was, is, and forever will be. The other is based on the trinity: God is bearing the cost of the forgiveness by His death on the cross. We are not paying anything, God is paying. God was on the cross in his son. We are not paying anything - He is. I'm slowly getting that. But still struggling.

So, my brain is fried on all that. God, I surrender my brain to you. I turn my will and my life over to you. Please relieve me of the bondage of me so that I may do your will and not mine.

I love you dearly.

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